When we were in campus, some clever chap, lets call him Willie, used to convince someone’s daughter to spend the night at his room at the men’s hostel. The ten-to-ten rule was usually understood in reverse. The rule was meant to be broken just like the “usikojoe hapa” sign. There is a sense of excitement associated with peeing on a usikojoe hapa sign.
Willie could either convince his roommates to go into “exile”, which was a tall order, or he could go on with his business ignoring the presence of three men in the room.
The entertaining part of the whole episode was watching the lady walk through the hostel corridors the following morning on her way out. The awareness of several judging eyes looking at her, made her to lower her head to avoid eye contact as she walked clumsily. A walk of shame.
On the other hand. Willie walked majestically with his sagging pants, head held high while greeting and smiling at everyone on sight. The opposite of the walk of shame.
Shame seems to reside in our faces. That’s why even the most shameless guy will feel embarrassed if you point out that he has some Sukuma wiki on his teeth. Shame tells us that we have transgressed, that we have fallen short of expectations. The feeling of shame is that of being exposed, that our nakedness, inadequacies and flaws are seen by others.
We develop a sense of shame through socialization. You stopped wetting your bed because there was enough shame attached to it. But shame is not just public. Even if no one knows that you wetted your bed last, you will still walk around feeling ashamed of yourself.
There is this feeling of being constantly on a stage, being watched by a judging audience. Even in private, the eyes of the audience are the self. We only need to shame ourselves to feel shame. And the self is often crueler to the self.
The lady doing the walk of shame is more tormented by her negative thoughts about herself than the actual stares by strangers.
Our culture is a culture of shame. Shame for not being “successful”, shame for not being popular, shame for not being self-sufficient. But we don’t talk about shame. We would rather get lost for several hours than ask for directions.
So really, our culture is a culture of shame about shame. It is an insidious virus.
Life is life
Fabio